Just Showed Up

08Feb12

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I went to Vermont for a few days to do nothing.  On our drive up, we listened to a great mix of Sovereign Grace, Indelible Grace, and Sara Groves (and some other stuff I can’t remember right now).  On Monday, one of my sisters and I were going to be in the car for several hours, so I went by the library and borrowed a bunch of CDs, including some awesome Dvorak Slavonic Dances and Sara Goves’ “Add to the Beauty” album.  I’m stuck listening to one track over and over, because it so describes my life right now…

Spending my time sleep-walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I’m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I’m going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that’s honest and real until I’m truly amazed
I’m going to feel all my emotions
I’m going to look you in the eyes
I’m going to listen and hear until it’s finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I’m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I’m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I think it’s going to be a going-forward anthem for me…

That trip Monday was to visit my Nana, who had been slowly losing her battle with emphysema over the past year.  It’s been a difficult, painful process – for everyone.  An emotional mine-field of ups and downs, 3-week hospitalizations, and rallies against all odds.  Monday was good – Nana recognized us, and we had some good conversation.  She was in and out of reality, but despite continuous oxygen, her restlessness spoke of the progression of lung disease.

It was a sweet visit.  I read portions of Revelation 21 and 22 aloud as she clung to my hand.  My sister and I sat with her, talked to her, and sang several hymns to her.  We kissed her goodbye and told her we loved her.

Hospice called my mom yesterday morning, so she went up for the day and I spent the day with my siblings at home.  My Nana passed away yesterday afternoon – on what would have been her 59th wedding anniversary (Grandad passed away in 2004).   I’m grateful I had the chance to visit her Monday.  I’m grateful for the peace I felt saying goodbye.  She’s no longer in pain – she’s at rest.

Now for the hard part.  Showing up for my own life, not hiding, feeling my emotions.  Living.  Looking for the holy in the common place.

Jesus, walk with me!

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