Matters of the Heart

14Feb10

Somehow this Valentine’s day doesn’t seem like others I remember.  In fact, if it weren’t for the littler members of Candidate School, I might have gotten away with not remembering the day altogether. :-)  So no, it’s not different in that way – not different because all of a sudden I’m incredibly excited to celebrate the day.  But it is different – because for some strange reason (grace?!) today does not seem especially lonely and I do not feel especially single. :-)

I have been thinking a lot about love this month.  I started and finished Crazy Love by Francis Chan (thanks to two lovely snowstorms) – if you haven’t read it yet, it’s worth it to go find a copy.  I have officially begun a new job in the City of Brotherly Love (which I love, incidentally).  In journaling, I’ve been asking God some hard questions.  In His love, some questions remain unanswered.  Those questions may stay unanswered this side of eternity, some may find answers here – I don’t know.  But I have found the Answer.

Thursday I arrived at Candidate School – after driving a whole 40 minutes.  I’m closer to church at CS than I am to home.  It’s strange to know where I am, to be the “local,” to be able to explain Wawa and hoagies and that when you say Philadelphia you really have to clarify what you mean.  It’s strange to have one of our instructors (who I had never met!) say to me, “Oh, you’re Susanna!  I know all about you!”  (His daughter and I work together at church.)  It was strange this morning to visit the church where I was dedicated as an infant (I hadn’t worshiped there since I was an infant!).  And I’ve been learning a lot about God’s work – in my own heart and around the world.

The one phrase that keeps running through my mind is something that was said on Friday, our first full day of “school.”

“You’ve got to get your heart off ‘safety.'”

In other words, I’ve got to stop creating a backup plan in my head, stop making excuses, stop trying to figure out where things could go and whether or not I’m up for the risk involved – essentially, I’ve got to stop relying on my judgment and turn everything over to Christ.  It’s the lesson of trust – again. :-)

Am I willing to trust God’s love?  To love means opening myself up to the possibility of hurt.  To love Jesus means that I’m willing to turn my life over to him – with all my hopes, dreams, and desires – that He might have His way in me.

Oh Lord, to love you more!

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