The Towel

18Jan10

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wanted to quit?!  I mean everything – everything – seemed to be conspiring to push you over the edge?

I had one of those days yesterday.

I guess that would fit the category of “unexpected.”

I wanted to throw in the towel.  Wanted to yell – to anyone who would listen – “I’m done!”  Wanted to cry myself to sleep.  Wanted to rewind my life two years to January of 2008 so that I could forget about graduate school, forget about changing jobs, forget about making friends, forget about being more social – just go back to the way things were.  Comfortable.  Known.  Mentally engaging but not life-challenging.

A good night of sleep seems to have helped things, as has a chance to just tune out.  I had five straight days of “extrovert overload” (Wednesday through Sunday) with no time to process what I was going through. Um, not so good.  If I were an external processor or an extrovert, I’d probably be on cloud nine right now.  But I’m an internal processor and an introvert, so when I got home yesterday from a wonderful retreat, I was so emotionally drained I couldn’t really form coherent sentences.

Wednesday was my usual day in midwifery clinic in Lancaster.  It was a good day. :-)  (As usual!)

Thursday I worked a 10-hour day, but it was one of the roughest shifts I’ve worked in a long time.  Thursday was the first time I have ever felt like I might actually not be able to keep my head as a nurse – I have never been as scared for an unborn baby’s life as I was Thursday (though thankfully everything turned out just fine).  I have a great group of coworkers and Thursday was an incredible illustration of what a great team we are.  Hoorah!  (And I really don’t like STAT c-sections…)

So I didn’t even have time to mentally process Thursday before Friday hit.  I knew it was going to be a long day even before I started.  It was.  Oh well.  It was good.  I had my psychological interview for Interserve Friday morning at 9:15.  The interview lasted a little over two hours and was about what I expected (let’s just say I knew I had issues before I went – now I just need to work through some issues… ha!).  I am definitely an ISTJ and it seems that the me I think I am is the same person my family perceives me to be (is that confusing enough?!). :-)

Onward.

At 1pm Friday, I had an interview at a clinic in North Philly.  (!!!!!)  The interview went really well and I feel like I’ll probably be getting more involved with the work in North Philly whether or not I get the job. :-)  More details when I have something definitive to share!

The rest of Friday afternoon was spent (sometimes frantically) driving home, packing my bag, picking up friends, and driving south to Sandy Cove, where I was able to attend CMDA’s Winter Conference 2010!

Winter Conference was great.  It would have been fabulous if I’d gone into it semi-rested and/or charged up on introvert time.  But the Lord is using it in my life (stretching and growing me in ways that are, at times, rather uncomfortable).  I was drained enough going into the conference that I felt like I interacted with others the way I *used* to interact (i.e. the way I interacted with people up until about a year ago) – I wasn’t chatty, didn’t make an effort to meet new people, and went to bed “early” both nights.  And I skipped the bonfire by the Chesapeake.  I did have some good conversations with girlfriends (one in particular was really encouraging) and the speaker presented an excellent reminder that following Jesus wherever He calls me is the most important thing I can do!

We left the conference center in the middle of a torrential downpour.  And it was only after I arrived home that I realized that I’d probably left me Bible, my notes from the weekend, a lovely note from one of my students, and the results of my two paper psychological tests at Sandy Cove.  Talk about a deflated balloon.  Pffft.  Air – gone.  That pushed me over the edge.  I was too tired to read, to tired to even think of trying to process everything (fortunately I didn’t leave my journal behind), and too tired to talk.  So I dissolved into an emotional mess and decided the better part of wisdom would be to call it a day.

Today has been better, but I still have a lot of processing to do. :-)

Please pray for me as I process and begin to formulate a plan for moving ahead.  I want to keep going, so I’m hoping days like yesterday are few and far between. :-)  And to those I didn’t talk to at the conference – please don’t take it personally!  I’m not throwing in the towel – but I did seriously consider it yesterday.  I feel like I have a great job, a great church, and a very supportive family, but I also feel like my life is a string of question marks.  Where will I go?  How soon will I go?  What will it be like?  Who will be on my team?  Will I be able to get along with them?  Will I be single for the rest of my life?  Am I supposed to be more or less involved in ministry here?  Should I try to go back to graduate school?  If I did go back, what would I study?  And on and on and on and on…  So when the string of questions starts getting choking-ly long, Jesus often graciously reminds me of this…

“What shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare His Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:31-32)

****

Update:  The Bible has been found (along with the important papers).  I am VERY VERY VERY grateful for people who know me and who know the importance of a Bible. :-)  Our local CMDA pastor found my stuff and brought it home so I’ll probably swing by and pick it up today. :-)  Hallelujah!

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